Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Fruity Zombies: An Ariana Dream

I'm walking down the road, flipping out because all the roads are empty and no one (alive) is around to be seen. Just empty cars, debris, and dead people laying around.This goes on for a while, until I notice something is following me. I spaz out, thinking that it's the zombies, and I'm totally fucked now. So, I start running, because I don't have a shotgun, and everyone knows zombies hate fast food. The problem is, I'd die really fast in that situation, because everyone who knows me is aware of how graceful I am. Ok, so I trip, and all of a sudden, this Betty Crocker lady is standing above me, all rotted and scary looking, and I'm thinking- 'I be fucked now...' And then all of a sudden, she holds her hand out to me. "Hurry, we have to go- before they come!" I blink. "Huh?" She grabs me, and proceeds to use her zombie strength to drag me to a park. The park is all- not dead looking- which totally suprises me. She starts talking to me. "You are the only human left. I must protect you, or else you will die, and then the world will be doomed." I'm pretty confused at this point. "Uh, but, uh- you are a zombie- right? So, like, shouldn't you want to kill me and doom the world?" She laughs. "That's not how my voodoo practicioner programmed me, silly! No. And plus. I don't eat humans. I'm kind of a vegetarian." Ok, so now I'm kind of really confused- all WTF is going on... and all. She continues. "So we must save you. Or you will die. And the world will die with you." She pushes me into a stream, and me, sitting there all confused, wet, and sniffly, look up at her angrily. "What the hell?!" She smiles again. "Water will protect you." I am squinting at her. "I don't know what kind of bizzaro world you heard that from, but I think you're mixing up zombies and the Wicked Witch of the West." She shakes her head at me. "No... just trust me. Water will protect you." Alright, so I'm sitting in a stream, feeling totally un-trusty, and knowing, somehow, in my gut, that I be fucked. So all of these "vegitarian zombies" are sitting around, playing poker, and waiting for all of the big bads to show up. And all of a sudden, this Betty Crocker zombie jumps up and is all- "They are coming!" So I'm all scared to the point I'm going to faint to death, and I'm looking at the gap in between the trees... waiting for the horrible zombie army... and- two zombies come out. One of them is dressed in Gucci with a hoop in his ear, wearing extremely tight pants. I can see his undead junk. The other one seems to be wearing a hawiaan shirt and he only has one eye in the center of his forehead. He's carrying a cage. A tiny one. So, I'm feeling very angry that the Gods are making my life into a bad movie, and all of a sudden, this little gay zombie takes out the whole vegitarian zombie army in like, two blinks. Now I'm feeling like I'm going to piss myself, because the Betty Crocker bitch is all knocked out, and the only thing lying in between me and the fruity zombies is.. grass. So he prances over to the edge of the stream, and proclaims- "I'm going to make your death as awkward as possible!!" I screech and start flinging water at them. Suprisingly, the Betty Crocker zombie was right. It appears to be deterring the one with only one eye. But- it appears to be giving the really gay one some sort of sexual thrill?? AHH! He's all burning up by the water and moaning, and I'm trying to keep the water flinging thing up, because, seriously, that's all I have- and even though he's getting his kicks off on this, it does seem to distract him from killing me. Which I'm all for. Until the stream runs out of water. (Yeah, I know, WTF- I was thinking that too) And he grins, repeating the fact that he's going to make my death as awkward as possible... blah blah blah. He jumps over the stream and he and I proceed to get in a slap war- and I scratch my hand on his tooth. So... I scream. Really loud. And punch him in the face. Further injuring my hand. But... the good news is, I woke up the Betty Crocker zombie. She looks at my hand, and commands me to put it in the stream, which has miraculously come back, and she tosses me a battle axe. So, I run to the stream, and the Betty Crocker zombie pwns the gay zombie, by ripping his head off. It really burns to put my hand in the stream, but I keep it in there, until I see the one eyed zombie coming towards me, shaking his cage at me. So, naturally, I do what any normal person would do. I slice him in half. And the other half of him says- "Hey! I'm on your side! Look in the cage!" And I was thinking- oh yeah, totally, open the cage and some sort of demented zombie mouse is going to pop out and eat your face. But apparently my head and my arm were on oppisite sides. The cage opened, and there stood.... Tinkerbell?? So, the one eyed zombie dies, and Tinkerbell heals my zombie wound, and the end. WOO!!