Thursday, June 10, 2010

Jao Na

Have you ever been totally alone in a room of people?
People that love you, people that need you, people that
are a part of you- but it doesn't matter. Not even they can
break through all the time anymore. You are alone.
It seems as though you were born so. You are one of a kind.
But who, exactly- are you? You know what you aren't.
You aren't always right. You aren't like the others. You
have a power radiating through you that chokes you more
than it helps, but you choke without it too.
Going without it is like trying to quit heroin or smack cold turkey.
You sweat, you hurt.
And you can't even find someone that understands.
They understand sometimes, but even then sometimes,
their eyes glaze over and you've lost them.
The only person that TOTALLY got it you didn't get, and pushed away.
Was it right, or wrong? Or is there such a thing as right or wrong?
I don't know if I'll ever find out.
You love them all, with an ache that consumes your soul,
but you can't always help. You can't always let them in when they
need you there. You see the cuts, and the tears, and the misery that
they go through and you understand the pain, and you feel,
but you don't understand.
You don't at all. You know what it feels like- you've experienced
it- but somehow, you don't experience it anymore. You FEEL it, running through you,
but you've escalated that plane. You don't experience it. You are numb.
It kills you to watch, but you can't feel.
I just can't look- it's killing me.
They need me to feel.
But I can't.
Does that make sense?
The stars cry. The sun is fighting for his flame.
The rainbow feels faded.
And the moon watches it all as a distant viewer.
She sighs painfully, she can't touch them.
And they can't touch her.
The magick, the magick. Can't lose the magick.
It's the only thing that penetrates this concrete wall.
The only thing that I feel.
Sparkles, and flame. Sparkles all over.
I can feel you, all around me.
Mother, can you feel me too?
Or am I as empty as I feel?
Shh. Empty is such an empty word.
Musn't utter it. You won't get to watch
with the others.
Man, Oi thinks you messed up mi wiring.
I is different, summat.
Shh. Empty is such an empty word.
What do I need? What am I looking for?
What is looking for me?