Why Edward Cullen Sucks as a Vampire

I am not a fan of Twilight. Actually, I have a hatred for it that consumes my spleen. Stephanie Meyer's vision of the creatures of the night is sickening and it makes me want to hurl projectile vomit all over my shoes. I mean, sparkley, "vegetarian" vampires, that "love" humans and drive Volvos aren't really high on my list of heroes. Especially vampires that haven't been witched into being soul having. The true reality is that if Edward did love Bella and he was a true vampire, he would turn her quicker than anything, and they would go on a village pillaging, baby eating, kitten killing, damn the world, we're bad-ass vampires forever rampage, killing a lot of people and mocking the righteous. But nooo... he shies away from making her undead- and having sex with her, for that matter- and he continues to prance around like a magnificent poof, all butterflies, rainbows, and tra la la. And did I mention he has stupid hair? I mean, what kind of hair goes straight up like that? Me, personally, I am a giant Buffy fan, and I firmly believe in "And then Buffy staked Edward, the end." Now, that is what I want to see in the next wanker film that comes out with Robert fuckin' Pattinson in it. I'd like to see him get into a fight with Spike. He could barely handle that silly bint James by himself without getting the shit beat out of him. If his family hadn't come along and rescued him from the big bad, James would have killed him, eaten Bella, and went off to have a victory shag with Victoria while all of those wannavamps wept like little girls. Am I right? Yes. Now don't get me started on all of those little Twilight loving fourteen year olds. I just want to punt them over a fence. Edward sucks, and I hope you fall on your head and drown in your own puke for liking such a horrible book series/movie series. May you shove your Twilight action figures up your ass. And Edward- don't lie. You are having a secret affair with Jacob Black, and you are both madly in love. Bella's just a cover. Plus, she's butt ugly and flat chested anyway. End of story.