2day 4 U

I’ve been running from everything my whole life. I remember as a child, feeling as if I had forgotten whom I was, and it bugged me. Who am I? Have I forgotten? However, how could I have forgotten if I am only a little kid? I would sit in my room for hours, holding onto my stuffed animals and thinking- who am I? Who is “I”? In addition, always, my concluding answer would be, I am no one, and that is that. However, that answer did not quench my feelings- telling me that “me” is more than just a six year old with a corroding family. So I would pretend- to take me away from myself. I would pretend that I was a tiger in a cage, and I fought my way to freedom. I would pretend that I was a dolphin, diving and swimming and never getting tired. I remember that the only way to euphoria was a pretend path. If daddy hit me, if mommy and daddy were screaming at each other, I could achieve my fairy tale in my head and leave it all behind. I could run away. I remember thinking to myself, why exactly did I choose this place to be born into? Who am I, really? But I pushed it away. All throughout my life that question always seems to come back to me. It haunted me on many other occasions. When my dad died, it roared in my head with the ferocity of one thousand lions. YOU NEED TO FIND YOURSELF SOON! It screamed loudly, as I held sharp objects to my skin to dull the emotion. For then, you see, I had lost my magic. No longer did I have my fairy tale. Eventually, I turned away from the razors and picked up a pack of Marlboros. My friends were starting to fear what I was becoming, but I scoffed and lit cigarette after cigarette and mocked their fear. “I stopped the cutting. What do you expect me to do?” That's what they knew, anyway. In my childish foolishness, I focused on all of the bad things instead of the good things. Because, you have to realize, there was so much of the bad. My inner self scoffed at me when I was scoffing at others. You can’t run from my question, It said. You can’t hide from the fact that you have to face me and reality someday. I growled and lit another, hiding in the haze of smoke. Life sucked, I sucked, and everything sucked. I should do myself a favor and do myself in already. But as I didn’t realize, it wasn’t my choice. I hated myself. I hated everything. Then, one night, as I lay in a ball in my closet, I opened like a flower to myself. Have you stopped running? It asked. Everything had exploded in my face. Where else could I go? I thought numbly. It seemed to smile at me, and at that moment, I wondered if I was a skitzo. It wondered what I hated so much. I wondered about life. Like a projection, my life flashed before my eyes, and I gathered the good things out of the rubble and put them in their own corner. Look. I commanded myself. And I did.


The next day, I got up and threw away my cigs. I threw away my razors. I kissed the mirror, after winking at it in a very vain fashion. I threw on my bowler and my coat, and I smiled at my mother. Because that’s all I can do.

Live 2day for 2day.